As Seen in Palm Springs Life Online http://www.palmspringslife.com/cheap/roadcones.html)

The Cheap Reporter

The Orange Cones are Killing Us

By Gail A. Paparian

Years ago when I was a kid, I used to love the bumper cars at the amusement park. I would start out like a proper New York kid (definition pending), going the right (or left, politically) way. After a moment of going with the flow, I executed a perfect U-turn and was once again, peddling up stream.

I miss those days when it was so simple to take on the world with no fear of consequences. Becoming an adult and joining and protecting my place in society has become… well, boring! I want the bumper cars again… particularly while trying to navigate through almost any street in the Coachella Valley.

Like a phalanx of orange dunce caps, roads from Palm Springs to Indio have been rendered impassable. Hey, I saw a guy sitting behind the wheel of his Bentley knitting as he waited to make a left turn from Highway 111 to El Paseo.

Of course it would be logical to do this roadwork during the summer when sane people (who have a choice) have fled the valley. Don't hand me the psychobabble that "funding" comes at the end of the year. Haven't government types learned what first year law students are taught? Take the money on the table, then come back and fight for the rest.

Highway 111 is a parking lot. Alternate routes (yeah, right) are pockmarked with a labyrinth of cones and arrows pointing in every direction. The last things to cause this much confusion were Florida's election ballots! Hanging chads ring a bell?

Rancho Mirage has been working on their road improvements since Paul Revere tested out his newest horse. Just when I thought these folks were making sense and widening Bob Hope to a desperately needed north/south arterial… I discovered that they were erecting… another median, ripe for planting just before traffic builds up for the Nabisco Tournament!

Maybe if the newest upscale project in the 'Plastic Utensil' Capitol of the world gets with it, they will extend The River project and made Highway 111 a water feature- thereby presenting some entrepreneur the opportunity to provide gondola rides.

Then there's CVAG (Coachella Valley Association of Governments), an advisory board to see that local governments co-exist in harmony. "Right," said Peter Pan to Wendy as they took off for Never-Never Land.

CVAG would become heroes and roll models by having a community calendar and not having the entire valley torn up at the same time. When one city finishes, let the next one begin. What a concept… logic in government.

The traffic signal has finally changed and I get to move up three car lengths. I should be able to travel three blocks in the same amount of time it will take me to translate War and Peace from the original Russian. Where's my bumper car?

Gail Paparian is a freelance writer/consultant.